Lately, I've been feeling sort of like I'm floating on a river with no destination in mind. While I've felt very peaceful, it's also sort of a weird feeling.
I'm not in control and it makes me nervous.
There, I said it. I know in my mind that I don't really have a lot of control over my life. I mean, yes, I can make good choices and seek after God, but I can also walk out onto my driveway and have a large tree branch fall on my head, too. So, control really is one of those things that is an illusion we use to make ourselves feel better. At least I do. The hard truth is that no matter how "together" you are, one moment can completely change your life forever.
Why do we try to make ourselves believe we are really in control though? Because it is just a weird feeling to take your hands completely off the wheel of life, and to allow Jesus to steer. (You are singing that Carrie Underwood song "Jesus Take the Wheel" in your mind now, aren't you?)
At this moment in my life, I am the least busy I've been in a long time. I am enjoying making things from scratch in my kitchen and being available to chat leisurely with my kids without an agenda. It's a blessing to be able to make their lunches and have dinner with them on a regular basis. At the same time, can I just say again how weird it is not to be constantly running. It makes me feel slightly guilty - like I'm playing hooky.
When you are used to being busy every moment of every day, it takes some getting used to NOT to do that. Since I am a time fritter-er by nature, it's also easy for me to waste the time I've been given. It's a balancing act not to become caught up in the hamster wheel of self-imposed busyness and yet not become a slug either. I tend to wander in aimless circles in my house, thinking I should be doing something but not sure where I should start.
Add into that, I am still job hunting and that adds to my feelings of being in limbo land. While it is strange to not have the drains on my time that I did last year, it also takes away any excuses I had for not getting on with what God has called me to do - that would be writing.
Instead of charging ahead though, with boundless enthusiasm, I find myself approaching my writing warily. I feel sort of like a ship without a rudder with the ocean stretched out before me and my compass missing.
Where do I start? Which avenue of writing do I travel toward? Where is my due North anyway?
When I find out, I'll let you know. I guess it's enough for now that I have enough time to actually think, to allow my creativity to bubble back up to the surface after being suffocated by busyness for so long.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote once, "Writing, for a wife and mother, is like rowing against wind and tide." She was so right - it's a constant tug of war on which "baby" gets your attention. Add in three part-time jobs, and it's not such a mystery as to why I had such a hard time writing last school year.
Well, my excuses are gone. My bend in the road is here. The question is, will I have the courage to follow it that bend even if I can't see where it leads?
~ Blessings, Bronte