With the resuming of school, my mornings are coming a lot earlier than the last two weeks. I am not a morning person at the best of times, but trying to get out of bed at 6:30 a.m. when it is dark and cold makes me REALLY not a morning person. So, I've been pretty tired the last couple days.
But my 30 minute power naps don't really help with that weariness of soul that seems to have overtaken me lately. Maybe it is the letdown of the holidays; maybe it is the fact that I had a rough morning with a few of my students today; or maybe it is even the fact that I realized AFTER teaching two classes yesterday that my zipper was down the entire time. Nothing like a little humiliation to zap the zip from your step! lol
Mostly I'm tired of trying - trying to be a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good friend, a good Christian. Trying, trying, trying but never quite making it - like that hamster on a wheel, endlessly squeaking in a circle that goes nowhere - that's how I've been feeling lately. Maybe it is an overload of information, but I feel like my brain is so busy trying to sort out all the information going into it, that I am in a perpetual state of hazy confusion.
It's hard enough trying to be a good Christian, but according to a Christian radio program I heard just today, even THAT isn't good enough. Apparently, doing the "good Christian things" is just not the way to go these days. The actual words of the speaker were, "You should be the type of person that makes good Christians wonder if you are saved." Um, okay. What does that mean exactly? Should I go out and hit the town or perhaps get rip roaring drunk or maybe take in a few R-rated movies in an effort not to appear too Christian? I thought the Bible said, by your fruits you will know them (meaning other believers). I thought the Bible also said that unbelievers should be asking what you have because they can SEE a difference. See? I'm confused again.
As I folded another load of laundry, I was praying - "Lord, I'm just tired. I'm tired of seeing all the ways I am not good enough. I know that. I know that I am nothing without You. I'm tired of working so hard at it all - trying to improve myself and never feeling like I succeed." That still small voice said, "Well then, don't. Stop trying. Come to me. Rest in Me."
I was reminded once again that the only thing I am really responsible for is spending time with God and then obeying what He tells me to do, knowing that His strength and His mercy and His grace will see me through. I was reminded that the joy of the Lord, which comes when I spend time at His feet in communion with Him, is what gives us strength. "Come unto me, all you are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you for my burden is light." (Matt. 11:29, 30) I'm coming, Lord - that's the best offer I've had all day!